New Grandparents’ Terms and Conditions
Thank you for finally reproducing! Took you long enough. Now that you are with child, I need you to sign the Grandparents’ Terms and Conditions, a legally binding agreement between you (hereon referred to as The Parent), the grandchild (hereon referred to as The Child) and me (hereon referred to as The Grandparent). Failure to comply will result in severe and relentless passive-aggressive consequences, up to and including but not limited to inheritance jeopardy and daily guilt trips.
Naming
The Parent shall not, under any circumstances, name The Child without first obtaining express written consent from The Grandparent. The Parent further agrees that such naming must adhere strictly to the guidelines of “normal” spelling and “normal” names (Hail, Mary!). A strong preference is given to names that are a direct replication of The Grandparent’s own moniker.
Photos
The Grandparent retains the exclusive and inalienable right to receive photo and video updates of The Child at a frequency of no less than one (1) time per day. These updates shall include but are not limited to: drool shots, diaper blowouts, and first-time failures (walking, talking, eating, etc). The Grandparent further reserves the right to distribute these images freely to all extended family members, colleagues, casual acquaintances, and anyone else unfortunate enough to be cornered at the grocery store. In addition, these images may be posted liberally on Facebook at large.
Visitation
The concept of privacy shall not apply within this arrangement. The Grandparent reserves the unconditional right to be present in the birthing room, regardless of any protestations by The Parent, medical staff, or hospital security. Post-birth, The Grandparent shall have unfettered access to The Parent’s domicile at times of The Grandparent’s choosing, including but not limited to weekends, weeknights, and inconvenient moments such as naptime and dinner. No prior notice is required; open-door policies are assumed. The key will not be revoked and new locks will not be put in place. Don’t even think about getting a Ring doorbell—The Grandparent knows how to unplug things.
Living arrangements
Acceptable living arrangements include The Child purchasing a duplex or equivalent shared living facility for The Grandparent’s residence (strongly recommended), or a separate home situated no more than one (1) hour’s drive from The Grandparent’s primary place of residence. Said property must include a dedicated guest bedroom or granny unit, fully furnished to The Grandparent’s specifications. At no point shall The Parent move out of state and/or country without express written consent from The Grandparent, lest they wish to invoke the wrath of Grandparents' Rights and an endless loop of “What about me?” voicemails.
Vacations and holidays
The Grandparent shall be invited to any and all future family vacations, trips, getaways, or retreats. Under no circumstances shall The Parent and The Child engage in “bonding time” exclusive of The Grandparent, as this is deemed wholly unnecessary and borderline offensive. Furthermore, The Parent shall take into strong consideration covering all associated travel costs for The Grandparent, in recognition of the two (2) years The Grandparent spent tending to The Parent’s poopy tuchus. It’s called reciprocity; look it up. Additionally, all holiday planning and execution shall remain under the jurisdiction of The Grandparent, with Christmas Day being non-negotiably hosted at The Grandparent’s residence. Attempts to assert independence or claim a need for “space” will be met with extreme disapproval and immediate rescission of any future school funding.
Food
The Child shall be entitled to any and all food items that The Grandparent deems appropriate, notwithstanding any dietary restrictions previously imposed by The Parent. While The Parent may have barely survived on a diet of carob chips, broccoli, and organic legumes, The Child shall be raised with full access to chocolate, salt, carbs, and the sacred rite of McDonald’s Happy Meals. The Parent is strictly prohibited from issuing dietary edicts that conflict with The Grandparent’s fundamental belief in spoiling grandkids rotten.
Gifts
The Grandparent shall exercise full discretion in the gifting of toys, clothing, and other items to The Child, with an emphasis on noise-making, light-flashing, and generally bold, bright, obnoxious products that defy both Montessori principles and any semblance of modern aesthetic sensibility. The Grandparent will ensure that all toys feature a sufficient quantity of small, loose parts and that all clothing items are gender-specific and non-neutral, because we cannot risk misgendering The Child in the multitude of photos, videos, and visits noted above. Any attempts by The Parent to limit or regulate these gifts will be summarily ignored.
Agreement
By continuing this pregnancy, The Parent explicitly agrees to the Terms and Conditions enumerated herein.
☐ I accept and acknowledge these terms; my will to resist is broken.
☐ I decline and willingly forfeit all future birthday cards stuffed with cash and quite possibly my inheritance.