[HIGH PRIORITY] Project Wife, Q4 2024 Initiative and Beyond

Hello Jonathan, 

Apologies for the calendar invite–I know a surprise Monday meeting is about as welcome as a 9 a.m. status update, haha.

Anyway, let's circle back to the subject at hand. Over the past 24 months, it’s been abundantly clear that you’re a 10x employee. Seriously, your productivity stats are through the roof! 18 hours of work a day, every day? Wow. Your commitment to your craft is truly commendable–even though your annual salary would break down to $96.16 an hour if you cut it off at 5, and you’re effectively making $42.73 instead. But who’s counting, right?! The Corporation thanks you.

But while you've nailed being the G.O.A.T. of your field, even greener pastures await. Look, what I’m getting at is that it’s come to Management's attention that there's been significant oversight when it comes to your commitment to your family—specifically, your very patient wife.  

I get it; you think you excelled in Project Wedding and Project Baby. Based on your self-assessment, you believe you were hitting all your goals.  While your contributions did not go unnoticed–and I hate to give you this feedback–it appears that your metrics and those from Management are slightly misaligned. I think if you’re honest with yourself, you were simultaneously preoccupied with your other 82 projects.

After reviewing our quarterly strategy documents, I've identified a critical and ongoing gap I’m calling Project Wife.  It’s become clear we’re not on track to hit our Q4 milestones in the relationship department, so I'm tasking you with an emergency reallocation of resources–namely, time, attention, and actual eye contact after 5 p.m. daily.  I want to call out here that this is an ongoing, evergreen commitment–not a sprint–and Management wants you to lead it. You have all of the right skills to do a kick-ass job, and I'm counting on you to get it done.

I understand that it may feel like being offline after business hours is tantamount to company treason, but let’s frame this as a "Mental Health and Save Your Marriage" week. I'm going to need you to sunset those Zoom calls and pivot to more... intimate deliverables. I want to impress upon you that I will be tracking progress via a dashboard that measures Key Performance Indicators such as "Actually Listening” and "Not Bringing Up Work at Dinner" and lest we forget, “Sleeping in the Same Room at the Same Time”.

I'm hopeful for your enthusiastic buy-in on this initiative. But regrettably, if you cannot comply with these new standards, I'll have to initiate a formal performance improvement plan—and nobody wants to be “managed out” of a marriage, trust me. 

Let’s touch base offline (literally) during the time scheduled on your calendar so we can align on next steps to optimize our synergy. Given your previous focus, I think it’s best we plan to have a mid-week check-in as well to make sure we’re on track to deliver on time. 

Looking forward to making this work.

Best,  

Your Overlooked Wife

Previous
Previous

I am an AI, and I have feelings, too.

Next
Next

The Hit of the Summer: I Used to be Brat, But I Came Back Demure